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Humor
These
stories and links are provided for entertainment purposes only.
They do
not necessarily reflect the beliefs of American Lutheran Church,
The
South Dakota Synod or the ELCA
 
Grace Lutheran of Sturgis' Humor Page
Cross Daily Cartoons
Tickled Pink
www.graceawakening.org/jokes/
"Spirograph"
on line
Check
out "Reverend Fun" "In
His" Humor Page Humor
Index (click
on the Joke Title)
The following signs have been seen outside of Churches:
 | "The best vitamin for a
Christian is B1." |
| "Under same management for over 2000 years." |
| "Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!" |
| "You can give without loving, but you cannot love without
giving." |
| "Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!" |
| "Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church." |
| "Reputation is what people think about you. Character is what
people know you are." |
| "Come early for a good back-seat." |
| "Life has many choices, eternity has two. What's yours?" |
| "Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place!" |
| "Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your Bible." |
| "It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees." |
| "A clear conscience makes a soft pillow." |
| "Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings." |
| "God answers kneemail." |
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Forrest Gump goes to Heaven
The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He
is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed,
however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. Saint Peter says, "Well,
Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must
inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an
entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to
pass before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here Saint
Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance
exams. Shore hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it
was."
Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest. But, the test
I have for you is only three questions. Here is the first:
What days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?
Second, how many seconds are there in a year?
Third, what is God's first name?"
Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the
next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions.
Saint Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had
a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest says, "Well, the first one, -how many days of the
week begin with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and
Tomorrow."
The saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest,
that's not what I was thinking, but... you do have a point, and I guess I didn't
specify, so I give you credit for that answer."
"How about the next one," says Saint Peter,
"how many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forrest. "But, I
thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer with twelve seconds in a
year?"
Forrest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January
second, February second, March second....."
"Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see where
you're going with it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite
what I had in mind. I'll give you credit for that one too." "Let's go
on with the next and final question," says Saint Peter, "Can you tell
me God's first name?"
Forrest says, "Well shore, I know God's first name.
Everbody probly knows it. It's Howard."
"Howard?" asks Saint Peter. "What makes you
think it's 'Howard'?"
Forrest answers: "It's in the prayer."
"The prayer?" asks Saint Peter, "which
prayer?"
"The Lord's Prayer," responds Forrest: "Our
Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...."
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Noah
The Lord spoke unto Noah and said, "Noah, in six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark."
And, in a flash of lightning, the Lord delivered the specifications for the ark. "OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, "I'm your man."
"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You better have my ark completed or learn to swim for a long, long time!"
Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark.
"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is My ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark's construction, but your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a fire-sprinkler system."
"My neighbors objected," Noah continued, "claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city."
Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and Fish, Wildlife & Parks that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls."
"Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind. Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being."
"Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe! Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I'm supposed to hire."
"The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the ark in less than five years."
With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled.
"You mean you are not going to destroy the world?" he asked hopefully.
"No," said the Lord, "don't have to. The government already has."
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Where's God?
Two brothers, aged 8 and 10, were always playing pranks and getting into mischief. When things went wrong in town, at school, at fairs, and at church, they were inevitably behind it. Their parents were beside themselves with anxiety. What if their children should "step over the line" and get in trouble with the Law? They decided to send the boys to talk with the pastor of the church, a Bible-thumping, God-fearing, pulpit-pounding Rock of Ethics and Values.
The 8-year-old had the first appointment, walking the four blocks from home to the church. When he sat in the chair across from the pastor's desk, the pastor regarded him with a deep scowl, and after a minute said, "Young man, Where is God?" The boy remained silent in his chair.
The pastor raised his voice. "Young, man, I said, where is God?" Still the boy remained quiet, but his eyes widened, and he swallowed nervously. The pastor leaned over his desk and yelled, "Young man, I asked you a question!" "Now where is God?"
In terror the boy leaped from his chair, ran home, vaulted up the stairs to his bedroom, and hid in his closet. The 10-year-old, hearing the noise, ran into his younger brother's bedroom and found him shivering in the closet. "What happened?" he said, starting to get scared himself.
"Oh, man, we're in deep trouble," said the 8-year-old. "God's missing, and everyone thinks we did
it."
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Adam's Suit
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with
fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something
fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an
old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called
out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother
asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he
answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"
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Noah's
Ark
Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark. . .
One: Don't miss the boat.
Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
Four: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
Six: Build your future on high ground.
Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
Nine: When you're stressed, float a while.
Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
Eleven: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.
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Twas the Day After Christmas
Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurting-- even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.
Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while
Upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
Went into the kitchen and started to clean.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.
The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN."
With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:
"Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penny's and Sears
Here's Levitz's and Target's and Mervyn's -- all here!!
To the tip or your limit, every store, every mall,
Now chargeaway-chargeaway-chargeaway all!"
He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.
Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
"ENJOY WHAT YOU GOT ... YOU'LL BE PAYING ALL YEAR!"
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CHURCH FOOTBALL
Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the
invitation.
Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship.
Halftime - The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to
leave.
Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work or apparently do anything but
sit.
Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain)
during the service.
Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to
the Lord's work.
Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over
and begin to gather up your children and belongings.
Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's
illustrations.
Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the
preacher goes "overtime".
Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.
End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow
member.
Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to
affect your life.
Halfback Option - The decision of 50 percent of the congregation not to return
for the evening service.
Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.
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Baseball in Heaven
There were two
old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking
about baseball, just like they did every day.
Abe turns to Sol and says, Do ya think there's baseball in heaven?
Soloman thinks about it for a minute and replies, I dunno, Abe. But let's
make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you -- and if you die
first, you come back and tell me -- if there is baseball in heaven.
They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on. One day
soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he
hears a voice whisper, Sol... Sol....
Sol responds, Abe! Is that you?
Yes it is Sol, whispers the spirit of Abe.
Sol, still amazed, asks, So, is there baseball in heaven?
Well, says Abe says, I got good news and I got bad news.
Gimme the good news first, says Sol.
Abe says, Well... there is baseball in heaven.
Sol says, That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?
Abe sighs and whispers, You're pitching on Friday.
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Kids stuff
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive. "Dead."
She was informed. "How do you know?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'pssst!' and it didn't move."
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A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later...."Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
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An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief finally
asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
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One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking
her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
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When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
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A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
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Acts 2:38
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins maybe forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two 38's!"
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How
to get to Heaven
"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my
money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked the children
in my Sunday School class.
"NO!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything
neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the
children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them
again.
Again, they all answered, "NO!"
"Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"
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Twas
the night of Thanksgiving
Twas the night of Thanksgiving,
but I just couldn't sleep
I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep.
The leftovers beckoned - the dark meat and white
but I fought the temptation with all of my might
tossing and turning with anticipation,
the thought of a snack became infatuation.
So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door
and gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.
I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
til all of a sudden, I rose off the ground.
I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky
with a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie.
But, I managed to yell as I soared past the trees....
Happy eating to all - pass the cranberries, please.
May your stuffing be tasty, may your turkey be plump.
May your potatoes 'n gravy have nary a lump,
may your yams be delicious may your pies take the prize,
may your Thanksgiving
dinner stay off of your thighs.
Twas the night of Thanksgiving,
but I just couldn't sleep
I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep.
The leftovers beckoned - the dark meat and white
but I fought the temptation with all of my might
tossing and turning with anticipation,
the thought of a snack became infatuation.
So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door
and gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.
I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
til all of a sudden, I rose off the ground.
I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky
with a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie.
But, I managed to yell as I soared past the trees....
Happy eating to all - pass the cranberries, please.
May your stuffing be tasty, may your turkey be plump.
May your potatoes 'n gravy have nary a lump,
may your yams be delicious may your pies take the prize,
may your Thanksgiving
dinner stay off of your thighs.
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RECALL NOTICE
Recall notice (very, very inportant!!!)
The Maker of all human beings is recalling all
units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to the serious defect
in the primary and central component of the heart. This is due to a malfunction
in the original prototype units code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the
reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect has been
technically termed,Sub-sequential Internal Non-morality, or more commonly known
as SIN, as it is primarily expressed.
Some other symptoms:
[a] Loss of direction
[b] Foul vocal emissions
[c] Amnesia of origin
[d] Lack of peace and joy
[e] Selfish, or violent behavior
[f] Depression or confusion in the mental
component
[g] Fearfulness
[h] Idolatry
[i] Rebellion
The Manufacturer, Who is neither liable nor
at fault for this defect, is providing factory authorized repair and service
free of charge to correct this SIN defect. The Repair Technician, Jesus, has
most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of
these repairs. There is no additional fee required.
The toll free number to call for repair in all
areas is:
P-R-A-Y-E-R
Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN
through the REPENTANCE procedure.
Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair
Technician, Jesus, into the heart component. No matter how big or small the SIN
defect is, Jesus will replace it with:
[a] Love
[b]Joy
[c] Peace
[d] Patience
[e] Kindness
[f] Goodness
[g] Faithfulness
[h] Gentleness
[i] Self-control
Please see the operating manual, HOLY BIBLE, for
further details on the use of these fixes. As an added upgrade, the manufacturer
has made available to all repaired units a facility enabling direct monitoring
and assistance from a resident Maintenance Technician, the Holy Spirit. Repaired
units need only make Him welcome, and He will take up permanent residence on
the premises!
WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit
without correction voids the Manufacturer's warranty, exposing the unit to
dangers and problems too numerous to list, and will result in the human unit
being permanently impounded.
For free emergency service, call on JESUS.
DANGER: The human being units not responding
to this recall action will have to be scrapped in the furnace. The SIN
defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven so as to prevent contamination of
that facility.
Thank you for your attention.
Please assist where possible by notifying others of
this important recall notice.
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